Dear Bunmi,
I have just come out of a marriage that lasted almost 12 years. It was an amicable separation and I’m not interested in getting seriously involved with anyone, but I recently had some one-night stands which I’ve handled badly.
I’m not sure what’s expected of me any more, the dating scene seems to have changed since I was last out there.
Women always want me to go to their place, which I find weird, but nice.
Recently, when I asked for a girl’s number after she spent the night with me, she was really rude and said: “I think we both know that’s not necessary, don’t you?”
One thing hasn’t changed though, women still trot out the old, “I don’t usually do this,” line. Can you give me some clues on what to expect next time around?
Julius, by e-mail.
Dear Julius,
Some things have changed as you’ve discovered, others haven’t. The reason she always wants to go back to her place is that women are more aware of physical safety these days.
Even if there’s no flat-mate at home, women usually know their neighbours. Not only does she feel safer, she feels more in control, her place means her terms.
Going back to yours means facing the walk of shame. She has to figure out how to get home and can’t turn up at work in the same clothes.
Having said that, women are still keen for you to think “she doesn’t usually do this sort of thing.” Even in these liberated days, it’s still drummed into our heads from when we are little girls that women don’t just have sex because they feel like it, there should be a higher, more moral purpose.
Saying it out loud justifies it both to you and her. Or it could also be that she’s hoping to see you again. Just because you’re not looking for something long-term doesn’t mean she isn’t.
If you want to call her, get her number. But if you have no interest, just say, “that was a great night. I’ll see you around,” and hotfoot it out of the front door. It might seem cruel but it’s way kinder than leaving her wondering if there was more to it.